Sitting here finally relaxing after a really hard season and wondering where I went wrong. Being totally honest it’s been a really hard couple of months.
What did I do to deserve all the junk that has been thrown my way?
Bad karma maybe?
Too much road rage will do that I hear.
But no, it’s not bad juju.
I know exactly what I did.
Here it is. You ready for it?
I loved the Lord.
I trusted him.
I put absolute faith in him even when it was really hard and scary.
And I absolutely believe I’ve been paying for that.
I know, I know what you’re thinking, “Who does she think she is thinking she’s so important that satan would specifically attack her?”
Well, we’re ALL that important.
You heard me. You too.
If you love the Lord and you work to serve him in your life then YES!
100% satan wants to put a stop to that by any means necessary.
Wooo boy did he try with me this year.
Let’s see a quick timeline shall we?
September, Robert stubs his toe playing outside, starts running a high fever and gets diagnosed with a staph infection. That was a Tuesday. He was better Wednesday and then Thursday was sick as a dog, had a cough that came out of nowhere to accompany his high fever. I took him back to the Dr and he was diagnosed with croup. Totally separate from the staph infection. In my entire motherhood no one has ever had croup. I didn’t know how bad it was. My sweet boy was so close to being admitted to the hospital, I’ve never seen him so sick. After the scariest few days of my life he finally got well, I had one day of peace and then BAM Tenley got it.
Luckily she wasn’t hit nearly as hard as Robert. Small blessings.
October, I feel like something happened this month but it was probably just leftover stress from our September and the fact that we got a new puppy.
November 3rd, Robert falls and needs stitches. Read all about that mommy trauma here. It took us weeks to get over this. We lived in a state of guilt. He slept in our bed, and everything was out of wack in our house for a long time.
November 27th, Robert gets double ear infection. Not as miserable as croup, mind you, but still a rough couple of days.
December 5th, The husband tells me it’s going to be an extremely rough week at work and that he needs my support to get through it. Literally the very first day of what would turn out to be the roughest week of his year I get a kidney infection. I at least managed to take him lunch on my way to the Dr for what I thought was a pulled muscle. Nope. Kidneys. I lived on the couch for a week while he supported me. I have not been that sick in a very, very long time.
December 19th, I make admittedly terrible choices and I get food poisoning. I spent the first day of my husband and daughter’s Christmas vacation miserable and barfing on the couch. Have I mentioned yet that before these last two bouts of sickness i hadn’t been sick in almost 6 years?? I know. Crazy.
December 24th, Christmas Eve, Tenley and Rob both start vomiting like they’re trying to extract the devil himself. (Praise the LORD Robert and I did not get it or pass it to any family on Christmas Eve) I have never seen two people so miserable. On Christmas no less! No family pictures in matching pjs this year. They both had their heads in buckets.
Santa was very happy I left out Lysol and hand sanitizer for him!
I knew it was a lot, but dang! When you see it written out like that it’s overwhelming. These are just the major things. It doesn’t include all the little annoyances in life that aren’t much of a radar blip. Or all the awful things that happened over the summer that are for another blog post.
In spite of what felt like a heavy handed attack, I praised Him.
Through it all I went to him, I begged him to give me peace and to stay with me, with us, through it all and He did.
Looking up at that timeline I know without a doubt that the only way I have gotten through the last several months is because I was in the arms of Jesus.
I have put my trust in him. I have given my family, my goals, everything I do to Him. Which is exactly why satan is doing everything he can to knock me down.
But I’ll keep holding on, and clawing my way up to keep my head above water. It’s just all you can do in these situations.
Listen, no one is perfect. Certainly not me. You’d blush or have me committed if you could hear all the things that go on in my head all day.
I’m still a work in progress. Despite loving God my whole life, and going to church, and doing all the things I’m “supposed” to do, I consider myself a baby Christian.
I still struggle. Holy moly do I struggle. My anxiety is hard to bare most days, and I have a hard time giving that to Him.
I don’t read my bible enough.
I’m not nice enough.
I can be judgmental.
I have a hard time controlling my face.
As previously mentioned I have terrible road rage.
And I’m blunt to the point of rude sometimes. Or so my husband says.
But I’m trying.
I’m growing in Christ every day and trying to be a Godly woman for the Lord, for myself, and for my family.
I will continue to do so, I will strive to be closer to God and I will pray that if something worse than the last few months ever happens I will be able to weather the storm. With His help.
Despite how many struggles we’ve had, we’ve had just as many successes. My family has been hugely blessed this year and I see a light at the end of the tunnel of sickness and mess.
I may be physically and emotionally exhausted and feeling a bit beat up but I say cheers to 2019, the year I remain steadfastly grounded in the knowledge that if God is for us who can be against us!
Wishing the same for you friends. Enjoy your brand new year! Use it well!
Side note, As I was typing this, and laying all the hurt from the last few months out, a friend texted me out of nowhere asking for my address. She had a code for a free devotional she wanted to send me. If that’s not God winking at me I just don’t know what is. I can’t wait to get started! 2019 is going to be amazing!